Check it out

[DARKsyde]

Check out this post I made on spyder's board @ http://www.hostboard.com/cgi-bin/ult...ic&f=402&t=109

And tell me what you think?

[Predator]

sorry man i couldnet read it.. I kept thinking DKNY.....

[DARKsyde]

Awwww....Come on man, I need some advise on what people think about the story I wrote. Granted it's only the first two page's. Although the DKNY chick is pretty Hot! Anyways check it out. [img]graemlins/beer.gif[/img]

[The Reverend Dark Angel]

I'm glad you all liked my DKNY girl. I put her up there to try and help get some traffic, but it didn't work... bastards. But she's very hot... and like Predator, I couldn't read what you had written cause I had to oggle my DKNY Boobies and wish she were sitting on my face. Okay, too much information... I'll try to read again after I've had an overload on porn.

[The Reverend Dark Angel]

I'm not even going to bother with the spelling. Two pages into it the story lacks any type of substance. Your main character, Johnny I believe, is completely two dimensional. You have some brutal homicidal scene's depicted within these two pages. Before writing them you need to study up on anatomy and how it works. You were right with the Large and Small intestine, wrong with the Liver and Lungs. The liver wouldn't show up and for the lungs to be exposed in a situation like that they would have to be disconnected causing a complete loss of oxygen which would have killed the man, leaving him unable to utter even a single word, much less three. You have far too many sentance fragments throughout those two pages of story as well. All in all, it's not a very solid story opening. You have characters, hopefully you have a plot, now all you need is the ability to write it well.

<font color="#99CCCC" size="1">[ January 01, 2004 08:56 PM: Message edited by: The Reverend Dark Angel ]</font>

[DARKsyde]

I guess some people need to get laid really bad if they can't take there eye's away from DKNY! But anyway's I guess it's the thought that count's. Try some time to check it out I have had some good reviews thus far. [img]cool.gif[/img]

[DARKsyde]

Thanks alot rev., I know where I lack in such with grammer and English. And I know I have no human Anatomy Experience or study's. But besides that, Everyone else say's that it has great charcter. And a very good sense of Fiction. But thank you for your advice. I will look into what I have written thus far and do some more research on to it, But you do have to say that from what you have read it is pretty well thought out. [img]graemlins/beer.gif[/img]

[The Reverend Dark Angel]

There's definately a lot of thought in it. But I believe that you're leaning towards a more character driven story. Try and give us a glimpse into his mind, his emotions, let us get a feel for who he is. I don't really feel his reactions because I don't feel anything for him. I can assess that he's looking in the mirror wondering who it is staring back at him, but why should I care about that? Hope it helps buddy.